Overcoming fear and low confidence in Midlife.
Why do people stumble when overcoming fear in their pursuit of happiness and success?
Because, as a result of low confidence and fear, we don’t believe we can make it happen.
Let’s dive right in the deep end.
There are more divorced and widowed women or flying solo over 50 than ever before in history. Midlife women flying solo are in a position of getting out there again in search of new love, but are daunted by the stories of bad experiences and negative reactions.
Many others in recent times, whether happily married or suddenly single, are finding it necessary to recover finances and start a business or seek a job but are confronted with self-doubt and fear of ageism.
Either way, 90% of any success in overcoming fear, and all the strategies in the world won’t ensure success if we haven’t addressed the fear of failure or rejection.
So, let’s get down to tin-tacks.
Procrastination is a huge sign of a fear of failure and low confidence.
So how do you deal with overcoming fear?
First, stop beating yourself up.
It’s very normal to feel the fear of failure.
It’s very hard for people to get out of their comfort zone if they have a fear of making mistakes. Will they survive? Will they be rejected? Will they be judged, criticised or compared to others?
As soon as you realise from an intellectual level that this is just your brain going on with this as it’s trying to keep you safe even if you don’t realise it, you’ve overcome the first hurdle. Awareness.
Because our brains are plastic you can start to create new neuro-pathways and go out of the survival brain and go into a helicopter position and see what’s going on and be compassionate with what’s really going on here.
So, here’s what normally happens on a daily basis. We wake up in the morning and we either regret what has happened in the past or start to worry about what might happen now or in the future.
The brain needs a job to do, so if you don’t give it one, it will create one.
It will catastrophise if you leave it to its own devices, so instead, what if you created a scene with your imagination of the way you want to feel, see what you want to see and hear what you want to hear and create a little game with yourself.
Our brains will automatically think of the worst-case scenario of ‘what if…’
Imagination and intention are very powerful forces. Focus on where you want to go as what you focus on grows and then you create strategies to create that.
If you have in your mind you are going to buy a red Mazda, that is all you will see on the road. So, if you think you are going to run out of money, you are going to create ways of how you are going to run out of money.
Anything that will calm the survival brain down will enable overcoming fear.
So, write a list of the negative what if’s, and then a counter list of positive what ifs. It might look like this:
What if I do run out of money? (Negative) It’s OK, and I’ve learned from the experience and I move on.
And, what if I have lots of money? (Positive) The brain will then imagine and develop ways of creating money.
But don’t beat yourself up if you keep going back to your old habit. You will develop cognitive dissonance if you have been practising something for 50 years and then you consciously develop a replacement of possibility thinking as a daily ritual.
When you are trying something different you have to build a new muscle.
You will need support by finding a good resource or support group, or watching YouTube videos daily or listening to positive motivational speaking on a different range of topics. Perhaps even hire a coach to fast-track your progress or you will default to the negative if you don’t have some processes underway to counteract them.
What if you are full of confidence and living in the moment instead?
Let’s go there now.
Let’s talk about one of the greatest fears people have, and that is walking into a room full of people waiting for your arrival, all by yourself. All eyes are on you, watching you as you head towards the podium, and you feel this is THE scariest moment of your life.
Step out of your scary place and into a virtual helicopter.
Use your imagination.
How would it feel when you hear the applause, see the smiles and people you love there blowing you kisses? You know what you are wearing, you know you look amazing and how empowered you feel because you know you are going to be giving that audience a great gift, something they are wanting and needing right now. They need answers and you have them. They are going to love what you say and they are going to love you.
By overcoming fear and managing the fear of failing, then confidence will grow.
I hope these strategies and suggestions help you on the way to loving your life beyond 50, at a time when we have so many opportunities to transition into our Second Act. If you are ready to claim your life back and you would like to chat or talk something through, I’m here to help. I’ve been there too.
Does Your Changing Body Depress You?
Do you believe it’s too late for your changing body to lose those stubborn kilos or gain flexibility and strength?
If your changing body is make you feel hopeless, it sounds like you could be in the middle of a midlife crisis. A MLC tends to creep up on you and then one day, you realise you don’t like your reality and you are confronted with a decision.
There’s a choice now to be made. How badly do you want change? What won’t happen? It’s simple. It won’t improve without a decision to create change.
Your transition starts with you.
Whatever you believe, you’re right. Your desire for change and applied action will make it happen. No action = no change.
You don’t have to take big steps, just regular baby ones to take you in the right direction.
As you take one step at a time, and with consistency, you will grow in confidence and you will get there.
Take a bigger leap?
Is doable, but requires a great commitment of effort, time and money, and then will the change stick?
There is no right or wrong. It’s just a decision how quickly you want the change, or if you want gradual and easier-to-sustain transformation. There are many more factors which may affect the pace of your transformation.
If you are in your Second 50 and beyond it’s about longevity right now.
We work the same industries, live the same lifestyle, and do the same things, and have the same stress, but as we gain years, our bodies just don’t withstand the demands we put on it. We can become more exposed to media about different diet, whether we should go vegan or change anything, but we have to use the science and use the research. Above everything else, we have to be active, and find what that looks like for each of us.
There are a lot of things we can do. Just get started, and have some goals. Get realistic, and work with your own body weight.
From your fifth decade your bodies can break down more easily than they did when you were younger.
If we are in a miserable marriage, we tend to believe we are too old to change anything about that as well. It’s all in the same bucket with our health and our fitness. But it’s not true.
It’s the state of mind and the belief we can do it, if we want to.
How do you break that mindset?
You have to start somewhere. What do you want to do about your changing body? Are you really happy with carrying that weight or that emotional burden around? How do you want to feel?
Celebrate little milestones with a new hair colour, a glam-over, learning how to look younger, slimmer, anything that gives you a sense of achievement along the way. It’s a launch pad to the destination.
We need to feel it’s really realistic, and the best way to start is to just start.
Routine can be helpful.
Find a routine in your daily rituals: when you get out of bed, so something for yourself before anyone else. Put yourself first, with a walk, some stretching, some floor work, loosen up, do some affirmations, or meditate, all before you look at your phone.
A lifetime of habits is hard to break but little things over time doing it over and over again you will start to see the benefits.
There is no secret to weight loss and well-being. It’s eating better, sleeping better, detox your environment, minimise media, eat less, do more. It’s what you read, who you listen to, then there’s the negative media out there especially about COVID-19, and there’s very little out there about what you can do about prevention, repair, protection and immunity, the food you can put into your body, reducing your comorbidity risk.
Get hooked on doing something each day.
Just do something, anything.
Maybe it’s less running and more swimming, do your research and listen to your body. Yes, you can get into better shape after 50 or 60 or even 80. You can still take care of yourself and there’s a lot of steps you can take. You can pick and choose what you eat, what you drink, and watching what you watch. What are you really going to get out of it?
Detox your friends, your fridge, your wardrobe, how you spend your time. Instead of it being boring, do it for a short few minute, bit by bit, step by step, day by day.
Start with just taking a walk or make a change to the order you do things.
Change Your Thinking and Change Your Life
Don’t let anyone diminish nor invalidate you just because they think you’re too old. With good management and healthy practices, they too will reach middle age and beyond. It’s an achievement to live to a healthy, happy old age and something of which to be proud and respected.
What can you do to get started? Get a Changing Body Buddy who is someone who shares the same desires to be healthier, wiser, more stylish, fitter, happier. It’s easier to be discouraged especially if you are doing the transformation on your own as it may be tempting to revert to former habits if the steps are not consolidated and “in the muscle”.
Beyond your comfort zones in midlife?
There is very strong evidence that women today feel right out of their comfort zones putting themselves forward and claiming their place.
As a kid I remember being taught not to blow my own trumpet, lest it be seen that I was attention-seeking and boastful. Many women like me grew up feeling right out of their comfort zones even writing up their resumes or applying for a promotion or career change.
It’s just something a girl was discouraged from doing and that conditioning has been very hard to shake off.
Even today, in most countries, women are still not putting themselves forward, and it kicks in more if they have been out of the work force for a while. Our society still teaches women and girls to be self-effacing and to hide their light under a bushel.
We forget about the skills we actually have, and probably think they are not that significant because we have been doing them all our lives and really think nothing of them. If we are not pushed beyond our comfort zones, we will never know what we can achieve.
We may know we are competent but we are not confident tooting our horn about it.
It’s a time to step forward not back. Midlife is a bit of a wake-up call and yes, we still have a lot of life to live, but we don’t want to waste it, do we? We haven’t come through 5 or more decades not having learned something, and the thing we have a lot of is life-wisdom, do you agree?
What do you know?
Do an inventory of your skills, and I’m sure you will be surprised. Write down now 100 things you’ve been successful at no matter how small. Forget the failures. You still did it.
We also doubt ourselves in terms of our lives. Now is the time to start being proactive about your next chapter. What excited you when you were younger that you let go? Was it learning to dance, perhaps learning to fly?
If you let your imagination run wild what would inspire you? Think of a public figure who is around your age or older and read about their story. There will be some gems in there which will make you see that anything is possible.
Write down what you do well. Maybe you’re tired of it, and you may not have the need any more for it, but acknowledge it anyway. Write down what you love doing. Get a crossover of the two, and see if there is a theme you can develop and grow.
Life is all right, but not great, and some want more while others have done a lot in their lives and now are contented. Why do some rebel against it or tell themselves to give up? If they have never explored the limited of their comfort zones they may live to regret it. If that’s you, think about what do you want to tell yourselves when you get to the end of your life. If you want to do these things you need to do it now.
But if you are not ready to something big, then do something small. It’s OK, but do something, explore the possibilities and treat it as a mini-adventure.
Be grateful for even reaching this point in your life. Others haven’t even made it this far and there may be some in your immediate family who are among those whose lives were cut short and not had the opportunity to live into their twilight years.
Move out of your comfort zone and you will feel better when you achieve something new, no matter how small, that is out of your norm.
You can continue to complain or you can seek to change something in your life. Who knew the importance of exercise, and being active, and being open to new things, and feeling good about who you are? Physical health is a topic we talk about a lot, and it’s just as important for women in midlife as it is for everyone else.
A key thing is your diet and how you live your life. Rather than putting a band-aid on our hormone symptoms, listen to your body and treat it holistically between mind, body and environment.
Your clothes are your most intimate environment along with your home and your intimate spaces being more significant to your well-being than you may know. The more harmonious your environment with your essence, intentions and lifestyle affirm who you are and what you want to be and live your best life.
Surround yourself with other women who could be your tribe.
The friendships we had earlier in life may not be the ones you keep with you by your side in your midlife, but there are many opportunities online. There also are more people who share your ideas and opinions and problems who may be just around the corner from where you live.
Don’t accept any of the negative narratives about being an older woman. Acknowledge the value you have and yes, you do get better with age. Yes, we are enough, and being midlife or beyond doesn’t diminish us in any way. I think it makes us more empowered.
Start dreaming big with no restrictions at all.
Whenever you feel less than, or feeling not enough, or circumstances are stacked against you, stay active, stay healthy, keep talking to people and do what you’ve always dreamed about doing.
Proceed on with your second 50 stronger than you were when you came in.
Are You Willing to Let Go?
As I evolve in life and well on my way through my Sassy 60’s, so too does my perspective about everything in my life. This was brought about by a series of events which made me ask myself, are you willing to let go?
The answer had to be yes, as the past was yesterday and no longer served me and I had only held onto those things and those lessons which were of value to me for my future.
This means I now mingle with people I love, doing activities that fill me with joy, surround myself with “my” style and those items which are beautiful to me in my most intimate environments and my home.
The change wasn’t easy, but necessary.
Many of us don’t understand the importance of our clothing, our homes and our environments in contributing to our happiness and success. We become stuck in our ways, and get bogged down in our habits, old ways of thinking and forgetting we regularly need to re-assess and move on.
As I’ve moved on in my 60’s I’ve made some changes personally. Not huge, but they have been noticeable. I changed the colour of my hair. As a result I looked at the colours in my wardrobe, refreshed my personal style, decluttered my cupboards, rearranged my furniture and totally changed my energy and my environment.
It’s given me a new lease on life as a woman and as a change-maker. Not all these changes were made overnight, some were made with me kicking and screaming, and some were made with grace and ease, organically over a period of time. I gave myself the space and time to see whether they are right for me. In the end, without change, there is no change.
The experience we have is just an experience. It won’t kill us and we either learn from it for we benefit from it in some way. Some of the changes to one’s life are made as a result of plans and dreams being snatched right out of your hands. Ultimately it is a process of surviving, healing, letting go, reassessing, and finding new and exciting opportunities which may never have been explored if it wasn’t for that life-changing event. We may just need to go into a quiet place with it.
It is a major shift in your reality and rates right up there at the top of the list right under the death of a child in the top 10 most stressful events you could have in your life time.
Your whole life changes in so many ways, so in order to move on and create another one, there is a “letting go”. It’s time to reassess, reevaluate, restyle, recycle, and reduce all your baggage which was represented by so much: belongings, expectations, goals, feelings and dreams.
Let go of stuff. What does that look like?
Let go of the drag.
The more we put in it, the more we have to drag behind us. Think of a parachute. What do we have that is creating “drag”, and what do we do about it. It need not be about walking away. Letting go is taking you to a fuller place. If you don’t let go, you are dragging all of this stuff with you and it’s dragging you down.
Where do we start?
First place is to identify it. It may be physical or emotional, or we may have toxic people in our environment. But the most immediate impact is to address it physically. Get rid of your congestion and clutter and that’s really difficult for a lot of people. What are you keeping and what is the purpose of that? Get into the process, again, of shedding another skin. If it’s functional, memorable or beautiful, then keep it. If not, then let it go.
Take a photograph of it, create a memory chest of the most precious things. The rest of it, whether you sell it or give it away, but put it back into circulation and prosperity. We certainly do that with people, don’t we? Sometimes not, but we will get to that. If you are hoarding something, as harsh as that may sound, if you have a cupboard full of something, or a spare room that you only use for stowing a stash of dysfunctional stuff, then set a date for its departure. It’s going this month. If you’ve had something a year without doing anything with it, just leaving it in the storage, and you weren’t up to doing something with it because of the attachments that don’t serve you any more, then make a date to move it along.
There’s a release of energy that happens. And building up to that release is challenging, so ask yourself, can I get rid of ten things? Ten pieces of clothes, ten books, ten files, ten kitchen items. Then the conversation starts in your head, “I paid so much for this. I’ve had this for ages and I still might need it. My Auntie Bess gave this to me. It’s so hideous, but I’ll feel so guilty if I let it go.”
Try it out and see that you can really survive, and indeed thrive without those 10 things. The sky didn’t fall in, and it actually feels good to see the space in which they once resided.
But instead, what if we asked ourselves, “Why don’t I just put it in the donation box? How would that feel to know it’s not deteriorating, gathering dust or rusting, and someone else sees it as a treasure?” Sometimes we just have to do these little things, take the leap and just go with the flow and walk away from it for a while.
Sometimes it’s just baby steps to start letting go of stuff. I have a box in the bottom of my laundry linen cupboard that I started putting things in 12 months ago knowing that one day I will be moving, and I took a peek today because I’m writing this and remembered it was there. I have no attachment to them at all. I didn’t miss them and couldn’t even remember what was there.
I’ve heard letting go described as visual silence.
If I can see a big space of floor or bench that has nothing on it, that’s visual silence.
We’ve all have things that we’ve had for a very long time, especially if we have lived in the one home for several years, or even packed them up, wrapped up all safe and sound and taken them with us from home to home, only to never use them.
Perhaps you’ve moved your office, or relocated to another home, and have put furniture and records into storage for six or 12 months. Put that time limit on it, not one day over, and stop paying money for storing things you will never want or need again. You know it’s time to release them, clear the clutter, create that space and enjoy the silence. But there is that question. Is it actually adding to your life or taking up space and when you don’t have visual silence you are looking at something all the time.
It’s about editing your life and editing your space.
Not every wall needs a picture. Some people can’t stand an empty wall, and it’s tempting to fill it up with picture frames, clocks, murals and tapestries. Just treat yourself to having that visual silence, and when something turns up you can’t resist you have the perfect setting to make it special and a feature of your environment that is energizing and positive. How does it feel to create a bare wall and breathe in the visual silence?
In the meantime, it’s OK. Be OK with it and enjoy the simplicity of it. Sometimes, too much is just too much.
So, we do need to know where to have silence so something can come in. If you holding onto something really tight, and you are offered something of much higher value, you can’t take it as you are holding onto that dysfunctional morsel so tightly. What choice would you be comfortable making?
If you holding onto all this stuff you can’t accept more. That may help you release things. Just imagine having an empty shelf, having an empty cupboard in your kitchen or bathroom. There is no reason or rule that says everything in your house has to be full. It seems that the normal these days is to fill a vacuum. I believe the thing to do is to create a vacuum, create a space, it’s like having a blank canvas, and so if you wanting something to shift in your life you need to have the room for it. it’s an energetic nod to the universe or your subconscious to bring it on.
So how would you feel if someone stole something of yours, here’s the challenge when you see the space. Would you feel the victim of robbery or would you see it as someone putting it back into circulation? Do we go there?
Do we have audio silence?
Can you just sit comfortably with the silence, and not have the space filled with mind-cluttering sound all the time? are you comfortable sitting in the silence by yourself, or do you have to call somebody? Can you enjoy a sunset alone, or it’s just not worth it unless it’s shared?
There are just so many things to find joy in. When we can let things go, there is so much more space in which to bring other enjoyable things. There is just so much more energy available, and more space for energy to flow. You may have a stale relationship, you may think it’s companionship. But do you? If you can’t shift the energy up, then you may have to let it go and go dancing with someone else.
When we have things weighing us down, and we have to get some help to get some light, get some help. It’s important because we are precious and we matter. If things appear that we can do for ourselves, we have to ask ourselves, if this will make my life better, am I willing to do it?
When we get this sound space, this visual space, it allows us to listen, to ourselves, ideally. What was the biggest craving for me when I was growing up? it was to be heard, to be understood. But we have to hear ourselves first. it’s such a gift to be heard, but we have to hear ourselves first. do they acknowledge they have heard, and do they respond to it? WOW, they heard and understood what I was saying. I must exist if they heard me, right?
So now you can do this for yourself by creating this space. You don’t have to clutter up your space with things, people who create this dysfunctional clutter in your essence. It may seem a little bit deep for you right now but try it. Just a little bit of physical silence or audio silence.
We clutter up our lives with “should, have to, must” and that’s all hype out there.
Going to seminars, social media, watching this webinar, going to this function, you must do it my way, and by the way, give me $$$$$.
If you don’t create the space to sift and sort, you will become burdened once again with paralysis of not being able to decide what you want to bring into your life, what do you not want, and what do I have that I am ready to release.
That could be a thought, it could be a belief, and what if you could let that belief go, and say that everything is possible? I’m open to receiving and I know anything is possible. You could find that belief was a made-up thing that you put in your head anyway, so let’s just put that aside and open up for receiving other energies and see where it goes. You could apply this concept to anything and anyone. “I’m ready to meet the person who is willing to treat me in a loving, respectful way and who will cherish me until the end of my days”, instead of “there aren’t any good men around.”
It’s about being willing to be open and put the foot on the gas and take it off the brake, or even go into neutral for a while. So instead of just making things happen, just respond to life. You have nothing to prove, and let it evolve, sift and sort and open your mind to possibilities, let them sit for a few days and see where they are and not even take any action.
Letting go is liberating.
Some are connected very much to their negative energy and it holds them in tighter and tighter. I think we are all drawn into that way of being, but when we can say, “hmm, not so sure about this one”, but if you are still holding on to that one which is not serving you, you can’t reach out and take the higher value one.
Instead of saying “I can’t do that, or I can’t make that happen,” say instead, “I wonder how or I’m willing ….” and just open up that crack just a little bit. I can find out, or I’m willing to explore, and it is possible.
Welcome to the willing and wonder. What if you were willing to welcome something new into your life. Maybe this is the moment you are willing to hear this, and free up some energy, do something different, entertain cleaning out your wardrobe.
Overwhelmed with clutter and congestion? If this is the moment when you can be open to doing something new and entertain a new idea. Try the 3 m rule. For every day for a week, everything that is from your height down to the floor and 3 square meters a day everything you touch goes into it’s resting place, whether it’s the donate box, the keep it box or back in its place. It gets put where it needs to be.
You will get your home back. You will start to lose weight, because you won’t be living out of your microwave, you will start using your kitchen, sorting your wardrobe, becoming inspired to cleanse and clarify.
It will be undoable.
It will empower you. You can choose to let go, especially if you want things to transform in your life, in your relationships, in your health, your wealth and happiness.
I invite you to explore letting go. Be willing and it will be different for everyone. In your kitchen, your pantry, your sock draw. Just make a start on something.
It could be just a matter of getting unhooked about being mad or upset about something. Just before you go down the rabbit hole of ‘why is this happening to me?’ just ask yourself, ‘For what might this be good?’ Just shift your brain with this question, and you will see it in the light of possibility and not in an ending. If you have a belief in your head, and you are reluctant to let it go, just ask that question and look at the possibilities that will come your way if you let go, and it will become very attractive. You will draw other possibilities and good people to you. That’s a good energy to play in.
Getting unstuck and creating more flow. There can’t be flow when there is a dam. You can open up the flood gates, and you can let go a little bit at a time or you can spend some time in the quiet by yourself and just ask, ‘What do I want? What am I welcoming? I wonder if this could really be a good idea?’
Get really curious. Are you willing to let go?
If you need help to achieve this, contact me and let’s have a chat.
When low self-esteem controls your life
Low self-esteem controlling your life?
After interviewing many women over the past decade, I have observed the common denominator holding midlife women back, or in fact any woman, from getting the love they want and living the life they love is a deep-seated unworthiness, low self-esteem and diminished confidence even if they haven’t fully become aware of this on a conscious level.
What’s troubling you about your confidence and self-esteem issues?
There are many reasons why mid-life women lose their confidence and self-esteem. All these unpleasant, but common life-changing events take their toll and plays out in so many areas of their lives.
- Still feeling blind-sided by an affair or a series of affairs?
- Struggling with judgment and criticism from others.
- Feeling disempowered by not being recognized for your skills?
- Feeling abandoned and devalued?
- Losing confidence as you are ageing?
- Frustrated with designers who don’t understand your body shape?
- In style rut and are feeling unattractive and undesirable?
- Feeling invisible?
Personal Change for Personal Power
Without change there is no change. It’s so true, and although we wish it was different, we each have to make that decision to take some action to stop feeling this way, but how does one do that when the learned way of doing things is no longer working for you, but you don’t really know where to start.
Your past need not be your future, your DNA, your history and growing up environment have shaped you to who you are today, or how you feel, but they don’t really matter if you want your future to be different. The attitudes and opinions of others have developed our belief system and usually we act routinely, repeating our adapted ways of doing things which is easier than to learn new ways.
Stop living in the past. Let it go.
As is commonly the case, the biggie of big saboteurs is ruminating over what has been and is no longer. It undermines almost all efforts for just living in the moment and having hopes and dreams of the future without fear and anxiety. This is key, and one of the hardest habits to let go. It is what it is. There are gifts in learning from past experiences, but drop the resentment and the victimhood and don’t bring that energy into your present.
When you are anxious and self-doubting, you will undoubtedly self-sabotage, but when you let go of the outcome, it will all flow. That sounds like a throwaway comment I know, and easier said than done but our lack of confidence that we will be able to survive without “that” particular outcome often undermines that very outcome.
Most important is accepting that things are different out there now, especially now in midlife. Getting rid of the chatter in your mind of being too old or whatever, and at the end of the day the energy about yourself will bring in more quality to your future that you deserve to live your best life.
Find your inner diva.
Work on your “self”, bring out your inner diva, your inner goddess. To be crystal clear, this is not about a heightened and grandiose sense of self-importance or self-obsession which can lead to manipulation, arrogance and extreme inability for taking responsibility and accountability for anything that happens to you.
This is also not all about you at the expense of others, but about changing the way you see yourself in a positive way that you perhaps have not embraced before.
Self-love with a “healthy” approach with a healthy self-esteem and self-image may be just what you need to make you happier, healthier and more successful in your personal and business relationships.
Your inner Diva in this context is about our confidence, a healthy self-esteem and self-belief, emotional strength and the ability to step up and take responsibility for your own happiness. List your core values and hold them close.
Confidence is our most valuable asset.
Confidence shows up in everything you do. And to increase your self-esteem, your confidence levels play a huge part. By making tiny changes to your day, rearranging the order you do things, or upping the ante of the activities you are already doing will lead you to recalibrate your life by identifying and nurturing your purpose and living your soul essence for a fulfilling life and love.
The first hour of the day sets the tone for everything that happens during the remainder of the day. When you change your mind set about how you start your day, it will change your whole attitude.
In order for everyone else to be happy around you is determined by your well-being. No longer young but not yet old, but your life is spiralling out of control and chaos rules supreme. It is life-changing when you can get hold of your own subconscious and come to identify what you want out of life. In reality we all should be doing this. Don’t wait until you are forced to, do it NOW! Do it for yourself. Power naps, eat well, laugh with friends, go out every day. It’s never too late to schedule self-care and it’s so important to laugh and create your current fun, whatever that is to you, and bring joy to your life.
As a woman now in my 60’s I know how hard it is to do on your own. Help is everywhere and you just need to make a decision to just take one step at a time, get a new look, learn a new skill, practice it every day and have fun with it, and then learn another skill, until it becomes automatic.
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Confidence and Happiness by Butterfly Changes
Does this sound like you? Your confidence and happiness has been severely wounded. The rug has been pulled out from underneath you. Some decisions were made for you and your life has been irreversibly turned upside down. Maybe it was your health, or the breakdown of a prime relationship, or you were financially sabotaged in some way. In any case, you have experienced a life-changing event and your emotions are on a roller-coaster and out of control and you can’t share your feelings with anyone.
There are lots of emotions, sadness, grief, resentment, regret, deep sorrow. You didn’t choose to be put in a financial struggle, or an emotional pit. Maybe you decided to leave your marriage after years of depleted confidence and happiness, or maybe you were cheated on, or your adult child is addicted to something awful. Life just sucks and you want change.
You may feel embarrassed about your situation. You don’t want to admit to your friends and family what has transpired behind closed doors because you don’t want the judgment, the questions, or the criticism and unsolicited advice toward you or your situation however, you do desperately want him to wake up and to say he’s sorry, what was he thinking? He had made a terrible mistake, but deep down you aren’t even sure you want it put back the way it was as you are fearful his behaviour change wouldn’t be long term.
The egg phase of the butterfly is the beginning of the healing part.
This is the phase of your transformation that you have the power of choosing confidence and happiness.
It’s comfortable in your little cocoon stage, but it’s very lonely and very dark in there. Now it’s getting squeezy and there is no room to move in there. As nature would have it, the butterfly has no choice but to change and evolve. It’s out of their control so nature kicks you out to the caterpillar stage
In the caterpillar stage, its only job is to eat and eat and eat. This is the phase of choosing to move on. It’s a very empowering time to free yourself from anxiety and fear, to learn from your past. It’s a time to discover what isn’t working for you anymore.
That person in that previous life wasn’t you. You created that person. You set expectations for yourself that you couldn’t meet by setting yourself to endure an unendurable situation, and now it had ended and you have lost who you were. You were exhausted and empty and disappointed with yourself that you hadn’t stood up for yourself.
You may want to fly away to get away from that phase, but in wanting to do that so much you have to give up being a caterpillar. Without change there is no change. You have to get uncomfortable.
You realised you had to be willing to learn to choose “you” and start taking tiny steps in the right direction. You had to learn that you had the power of choosing how you felt. You now have to choose to step into your own power, or not?
You may have struggled with friends and people who know you and are telling you to ‘not feel that way’, or ‘now you know it’s like that, just get over it and move on.’ That’s invalidation.
It’s not like there’s a hole in the wall that your stupid cousin created by blowing something up, so just get a loan, get it fixed and move on. You have feelings, so admit how you feel and then choose to feel differently with the appropriate process afterwards, but you can’t avoid those feelings and move on without dealing with them as they will just sneak up on you and bite you on the bum later when you’re not looking.
So now close your eyes and think about what happened and give a name for those feelings. Go there now and imagine that person is in front of you and tell them what you are feeling. Don’t make yourself wrong for feeling it, but also don’t stay there! The next step is the hardest one especially when you don’t see their remorse, not even a tiny bit.
Forgiving: This is the freedom step and is an incredibly powerful key to confidence and happiness.
Forgiving is not forgetting it ever happened.
Their denial was the most painful bit, even though it was revealed in bright flashing lights you could see from the moon. It may seem very hard to forgive them when they are continually dumping on you, but let’s be very clear. Their choices for their actions were solely made by them no matter how they justify them.
Their actions do not define you, their actions define them. It was only through their inability to take responsibility for their decisions so don’t get caught up in the blame game and believe those stories because in part we also believe that of ourselves to be true, and accept the attack on our self-worth. When we are low in self-esteem and self-respect we often fall into their story and blame ourselves for their behaviour. That is not the point.
The point is we always get to choose how we respond. There are two sides to every coin, and there may be some things you feel guilty about as well. It could be the affect it had on your family, or your business associates, or that you hadn’t given them the right coloured jelly beans, but express compassion toward yourself about it. Forgiveness can take a while, but don’t remain a prisoner of that pain by giving it permission to control your life. Just write it out and come from a place of self-love and compassion.
Be grateful and watch the miracles happen.
When we are in pain we focus on the dark side of the pain, the deep, deep shadows. On the flip side we can always find things to be grateful for, even be grateful now for the revelation, the secret is out, there will be no more lies, no more denials, no more doubt. The bare, naked truth, in all it’s ugliness, or your opportunity for freedom, but there it is.
You now know what you are dealing with, in whatever form it presents itself. Respect yourself for who you are. Respect others, even the ones who hurt you, for who they are. Most of them are just wounded angels in disguise, and even though that doesn’t get them off the hook, the wounding had nothing to do with you.
To help you grow and move on, answer these four questions with honesty.
- What do I have that I have taken for granted that I can be grateful for?
- What is good about this situation? (Hint: No more . . .)
- What made me smile today?
- What is the best thing that happened to me today?
Everything that happens to us is a brilliantly disguised as an opportunity for personal growth.
After you have learned from your past, what do you want now for your future? When someone treats you badly, it just means you need to raise your standards. We can’t expect anyone to give us what we won’t give ourselves. Also ask yourself:
- What is your vision for yourself?
- What are the qualities you want to enhance?
- What are the standards you set for yourself?
Go for the light and fly. You deserve freedom, confidence and happiness.
This is your opportunity to create your own confidence and happiness. Just like a butterfly, your are growing wings. It is here in the pupa stage where all the changes are happening inside. One big reason you were unhappy is when you look for happiness outside yourselves. You are loving yourself when you choose to step away from the person or that intolerable situation which is showing you all the signs you are not being valued no matter what you say and do, but you do get to choose how you respond to that toxicity.
When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings. Dean Jackson
You are now owning who you are and who you have become. You never need an excuse to reward yourself for your personal growth, and a makeover is a perfect way to stand your power and speak your truth.
If you need any help with any part of this process please contact Trish.
Before you go download your free e_Book. You can access it from the top of the page.
Self Love: 3 Keys to Doing It.
3 KEYS TO “DOING” SELF LOVE – who’s pulling your strings?
People talk a lot about self-love. They know what it means, but rarely do it or practise it. There is just TMI on the internet about self love however, it’s never enough to “say” you need to love yourself before you can move on and love anyone else, while the keys to “doing” self-love” gives you confidence and empowerment to go on and ensure you are not walked all over by anyone, again.
Let’s keep this simple.
The 1st key and most important one is to only be, only do, only see, only hear and only be around what and who makes you feel good.
Our environment, mind and body are all circularly linked and all need to be cleaned up in order to keep the others healthy. So if we are compromising ourselves, and allow someone who may be narcissistic, putting us down and planting the seeds to undermine our self-worth, we need to get away from their influence and their toxicity.
Too often we tend to tolerate too much so there tends to be a confusion between what are you tolerating and what are your standards. If you were to make a list of the top 5 things you are tolerating right now, what would come up for you?
Think about it and be brutally honest with yourself.
The second key to self-love is to learn to honestly say “No”.
Tolerance is what we have been conditioning ourselves to do in order to keep the peace, not make waves, walking on egg shells and in some cases choosing our battles which may be a great strategy if it avoids an unnecessary head on clash. It’s very hard to do as we are so accustomed to being patient, tolerant and mostly at our own expense. It has become an enabling habit. When you play back the video in your head, you may recognise how you have tolerated anything else that someone who does not respect you and appreciate you has tried to put over you.
With your hand on your heart, ask your heart “Please let me know when I’m not feeling happy and safe” and hear it when it comes back to you and lets you know.
The third key to self-love is to learn to walk away.
Walking away from things that are going on that don’t contribute to your health and happiness is a learned skill. You will recognise when it is the right time when you are listening to someone derailing someone else, maybe the ex-spouse, their boss and his or her behaviour towards others. Walk away from gossipers, complainers, even bad movies you have paid to watch and it turns out you are just not enjoying it. We are inviting abuse on all levels, shapes and sizes from areas of our life where we deserve respect. When you take ownership of your own thought processes and environment you will be taking your life back.
So it all starts with self respect. If you are reading this, I have just one shot to get this message to you. Stop tolerating the little things which drip away at your confidence. It can start very early in the relationship and creep up on you when you are totally unaware of it. We tolerate the comments of disrespectful behaviour, or choose to ignore them and shrug it off. We often ignore or don’t see the red flags.
Meanwhile, when you accept disrespectful behaviour over time, the longer you stay, the harder it becomes to leave unless you have clarity about what you are signing up for and what you are prepared to tolerate or walk away from. Until we get ourselves cleaned out it’s hard to attract a partner who will treat us with respect and genuine love.
Self-love is choosing to let toxicity go.
It’s better to be alone than stay with bad company. Sadly for a lot of midlife single men and women they feel the devastation of being suddenly single, especially if it wasn’t their decision. They have given and given for so long with no change. Many remain in that holding pattern in their ensuing relationships doing the same stuff and expecting a happy ending.
So ask yourself, what do I need a partner for right now? If you are in a relationship and you feel the love, congratulations. You have it made. If not and you are at cross roads, you may need to talk about it and seek some clarity either with your partner or if that is too hard to handle at first, with someone who isn’t invested in your emotions who can help you find your way back to “self” so you can make the decisions which are right for you, by you and not influenced by someone else’s agenda.
If you are single right now after a breakup, cherish that time to find yourself. It’s your turn to do what’s really good for you and find your way back to healthy love. The singleness may not last so relish it while you can, as you will attract a gorgeous partner as you learn and “do” self love, and when they appear, you will recognise them.
Need some help on this, let me know and we will chat.
Download Free e-Book . My gift to you to help you launch your 2nd Fifty. You can access it from the Top of the Page. Warmest wishes, Trish