Did you know only 10% of midlife women own their own style?
What do I mean by that?
She’s a woman who, regardless of her size, shape, age, ethnicity or beliefs expresses herself in an authentic and unique way which empowers her lifestyle, feeds her soul, boosts her confidence, transforms her life and puts her in a frame as a ‘hot’ woman. In a society where ageism and patriarchy still exist being 50 plus is an asset, not a liability.
We CAN have it all. You may not agree with that, nor want be a ‘hot’ woman, but hear me out.
Who comes to mind as a ‘hot’ woman, but also a hot ‘older’ woman? Judi Dench, Ita Buttrose, Helen Mirren, Cher and other living treasures come to mind, and not just now, but they were always ‘hot’ women. Despite their differences they have one thing in common. They look years younger than their actual numbers. They all have their own style which has become their trademark over time. They each have found their ‘secret sauce’.
Age is a number. Old is an attitude.
Let’s go on a discovery tour and find out why we never really knew ourselves, or some of us lose our way, and how we can find our ‘secret sauce’ (again).
No matter how much you want to deny it and hide from it, our hair changes colour, our body changes shape, our skin loses elasticity and clarity and our makeup doesn’t go on the same way for the same result. We have updated our TVs, kitchens, cars and sometimes relationships. As life has evolved, our habits and ways of doing things have not. We are still using those old techniques we used to do in almost every aspect of our life up to that point, but now it’s not working so well.
Then, if that’s not enough, an unexpected event occurs. Stuff happened! Something buggered life up as we know it, and we don’t know how to un-bugger it.
There is an infidelity, an illness, a redundancy, a death or some other trauma. It’s at this point that a time of transition is enforced. Something or someone has created mayhem. In a heart-beat, life will never be the same again and everything you know and have done is questioned, initiating a total rethink and search for a strategy in doing something different. But how, and what?
Midlife is often about personal transition.
From what once ‘was’, navigating the ‘now’ to a desired ‘future’ suddenly and urgently becomes the main reason women react and are motivated to consider a makeover, not just of their look, but of their whole lives.
On the other-hand, many midlife women are recognizing the need for transformation and are being proactive and planning their future by purposefully changing careers, going into business or even considering flying solo. Therefore, they recognise the need to re-evaluate their image and sense of ‘self’.
It’s fast becoming the more frequent and desired emerging trend for midlife women now to be starting their transitions around the age of 40 into the next chapter of her life, for any number of reasons, some planned changes, some not.
Some may call it a midlife crisis. It’s about knowing what works for you, taking into account the life you want to be living, and the quality of the relationships you want in the environment that nurtures and supports you.
It’s also what Life and Love Coaches talk about: Change is normal. Nothing is forever, the tide comes in, the tide goes out. When we are faced with adversity, we are presented the perfect opportunity to explore how to navigate and expand your options for a higher benefit, but difficult to navigate when you are walking on virgin ground where you have never been before.
You never know what you don’t know until you know it.
We have so much yet to give in our lives and often we fail to recognise we have a wealth of knowledge, resilience, experience and so much wisdom. We have overcome so much and are still overcoming so much, tapping into our resources and learning new skills, leaning into a new phase of our lives, yet at times, we still live in our past. Midlife women can really have it all. But, Just like renovating a house. . .
Before there can be a transformation, there first needs to be a demolition.
For many, a makeover includes redefining your identity, realigning your head and your heart, especially for those who feel disempowered by illness, bereavement, divorce, bankruptcy and any other attack or impact on their fulfilment. With guidance and know-how can be the most impactful transformation when authenticity is maintained.
Once a woman goes through the process of experiencing a makeover in any area of her existence, feeling the power of reevaluating her life, her personal image, discovering her archetype and getting out of her head into her heart, she will have that understanding of what works for her. It also presents an opportunity to learn how to navigate different trends and not be controlled by them.
Trends come and go, but your own individual style remains authentically yours. It’s a learning process, even though over the years it will evolve and change as you evolve and change, and it’s sometimes challenging not to get caught up in the seasonal fashion changes that come and go so quickly, often within 6 months, depending on where on the fashion cycle you made your purchase.
Now more than any other time previously, we need to release those darlings we love so much which only sabotage us. We need to remain current and empowered so it’s important our external story tells that and shows that we are strong, resilient, yet soft and confident and not stuck in a rut or from a time 30 years previously. You are not that woman anymore. You are now more.
You will be able to identify how you can you take these trends and set them into what you already know about yourself , your style archetype at an innate level and not being pigeon-holed into a type; your body signature and what works for you and what doesn’t, understanding your style foundation and then being able to apply that.
No matter the age, women still want to stay relevant, visible and beautiful in their own personal style without too much effort. However, effortless style is a myth and is a bit like watching a swan glide gracefully and smoothly over the water, and there’s a great flurry of activity beneath the surface.
It takes some practice for the holistic approach to making it all come together from the inside out and getting the outside to authentically reflect the game on the inside. And over time, sometimes quickly, sometimes with baby steps and with guidance, it comes together.
How do I know this?
I am a midlife woman too, and I’ve walked in many pairs of shoes. I could be described as a woman in my Third Act, not just my second 50. In fact, I once was 6.5 years of age, but someone moved my decimal point when I wasn’t looking.
But I still want to finish strong, vital and fiercely independent, just like I was when I was 6!
I’m not done yet. And neither are you. There is an opportunity for you also to go on your style discovery tour: a fun and fascinating time learning new strategies on so many levels to bring joie de vivre into your Feisty 40’s, Fabulous 50’s, Sexy 60’s, Sensuous 70’s and Audacious 80’s, no matter what life throws at you!
Give yourself permission to find your ‘secret sauce’. I’ve got you. I see you. Contact or Call me if you want to have a chat to see if there is a benefit for you.
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As I evolve in life and almost midway into my Sassy 60’s, so too does my perspective about everything in my life. This means I now mingle with people I love, doing activities that fill me with joy, surround myself with “my” style and those items which are beautiful to me in my most intimate environments and my home.
Many of us don’t understand the importance of our clothing, our homes and our environments in contributing to our happiness and success. We become stuck in our ways, and get bogged down in our habits, old ways of thinking and forgetting we regularly need to re-assess and move on.
As I’ve moved on in my 60’s I’ve made some changes personally. Not huge, but they have been noticeable. I changed the colour of my hair. As a result I looked at the colours in my wardrobe, refreshed my personal style, decluttered my cupboards, rearranged my furniture and totally changed my energy and my environment.
It’s given me a new lease on life as a woman and as a change-maker. Not all these changes were made overnight, some were made with me kicking and screaming, and some were made with grace and ease, organically over a period of time. I gave myself the space and time to see whether they are right for me. In the end, without change, there is no change.
The experience we have is just an experience. It won’t kill us and we either learn from it for we benefit from it in some way. Some of the changes to one’s life are made as a result of plans and dreams being snatched right out of your hands. Ultimately it is a process of surviving, healing, letting go, reassessing, and finding new and exciting opportunities which may never have been explored if it wasn’t for that life-changing event. We may just need to go into a quiet place with it.
It is a major shift in your reality and rates right up there at the top of the list right under the death of a child in the top 10 most stressful events you could have in your life time.
Your whole life changes in so many ways, so in order to move on and create another one, there is a “letting go”. It’s time to reassess, reevaluate, restyle, recycle, and reduce all your baggage which was represented by so much: belongings, expectations, goals, feelings and dreams.
Let go of stuff. What does that look like?
Let go of the drag.
The more we put in it, the more we have to drag behind us. Think of a parachute. What do we have that is creating “drag”, and what do we do about it. It need not be about walking away. Letting go is taking you to a fuller place. If you don’t let go, you are dragging all of this stuff with you and it’s dragging you down.
Where do we start?
First place is to identify it. It may be physical or emotional, or we may have toxic people in our environment. But the most immediate impact is to address it physically. Get rid of your congestion and clutter and that’s really difficult for a lot of people. What are you keeping and what is the purpose of that? Get into the process, again, of shedding another skin. If it’s functional, memorable or beautiful, then keep it. If not, then let it go.
Take a photograph of it, create a memory chest of the most precious things. The rest of it, whether you sell it or give it away, but put it back into circulation and prosperity. We certainly do that with people, don’t we? Sometimes not, but we will get to that. If you are hoarding something, as harsh as that may sound, if you have a cupboard full of something, or a spare room that you only use for stowing a stash of dysfunctional stuff, then set a date for its departure. It’s going this month. If you’ve had something a year without doing anything with it, just leaving it in the storage, and you weren’t up to doing something with it because of the attachments that don’t serve you any more, then make a date to move it along.
There’s a release of energy that happens. And building up to that release is challenging, so ask yourself, can I get rid of ten things? Ten pieces of clothes, ten books, ten files, ten kitchen items. Then the conversation starts in your head, “I paid so much for this. I’ve had this for ages and I still might need it. My Auntie Bess gave this to me. It’s so hideous, but I’ll feel so guilty if I let it go.”
Try it out and see that you can really survive, and indeed thrive without those 10 things. The sky didn’t fall in, and it actually feels good to see the space in which they once resided.
But instead, what if we asked ourselves, “Why don’t I just put it in the donation box? How would that feel to know it’s not deteriorating, gathering dust or rusting, and someone else sees it as a treasure?” Sometimes we just have to do these little things, take the leap and just go with the flow and walk away from it for a while.
Sometimes it’s just baby steps to start letting go of stuff. I have a box in the bottom of my laundry linen cupboard that I started putting things in 12 months ago knowing that one day I will be moving, and I took a peek today because I’m writing this and remembered it was there. I have no attachment to them at all. I didn’t miss them and couldn’t even remember what was there.
I’ve heard letting go described as visual silence.
If I can see a big space of floor or bench that has nothing on it, that’s visual silence.
We’ve all have things that we’ve had for a very long time, especially if we have lived in the one home for several years, or even packed them up, wrapped up all safe and sound and taken them with us from home to home, only to never use them.
Perhaps you’ve moved your office, or relocated to another home, and have put furniture and records into storage for six or 12 months. Put that time limit on it, not one day over, and stop paying money for storing things you will never want or need again. You know it’s time to release them, clear the clutter, create that space and enjoy the silence. But there is that question. Is it actually adding to your life or taking up space and when you don’t have visual silence you are looking at something all the time.
It’s about editing your life and editing your space.
Not every wall needs a picture. Some people can’t stand an empty wall, and it’s tempting to fill it up with picture frames, clocks, murals and tapestries. Just treat yourself to having that visual silence, and when something turns up you can’t resist you have the perfect setting to make it special and a feature of your environment that is energizing and positive. How does it feel to create a bare wall and breathe in the visual silence?
In the meantime, it’s OK. Be OK with it and enjoy the simplicity of it. Sometimes, too much is just too much.
So, we do need to know where to have silence so something can come in. If you holding onto something really tight, and you are offered something of much higher value, you can’t take it as you are holding onto that dysfunctional morsel so tightly. What choice would you be comfortable making?
If you holding onto all this stuff you can’t accept more. That may help you release thigs. Just imagine having an empty shelf, having an empty cupboard in your kitchen or bathroom. There is no reason or rule that says everything in your house has to be full. It seems that the normal these days is to fill a vacuum. I believe the thing to do is to create a vacuum, create a space, it’s like having a blank canvas, and so if you wanting something to shift in your life you need to have the room for it. it’s an energetic nod to the universe or your subconscious to bring it on.
So how would you feel if someone stole something of yours, here’s the challenge when you see the space. Would you feel the victim of robbery or would you see it as someone putting it back into circulation? Do we go there?
Do we have audio silence?
Can you just sit comfortably with the silence, and not have the space filled with mind-cluttering sound all the time? are you comfortable sitting in the silence by yourself, or do you have to call somebody? Cn up enjoy a sunset alone, or it’s just not worth it unless it’s shared?
There are just so many things to find joy in. when we can let things go, there is so much more space to bring other enjoyable things. There is just so much more energy available, and more space for energy to flow. You may have a stale relationship, you may think it’s companionship. But do you? if you can’t shift the energy up, then you may have to let it go. go dancing with someone else.
When we have things weighing us down, and we have to get some help to get some light, get some help. It’s important because we are precious and we matter. If things appear that we can do for ourselves, we have to ask ourselves, if this will make my life better, am I willing to do it?
When we get this sound space, this visual space, it allows us to listen, to ourselves, ideally. What was the biggest craving for me when I was growing up? it was to be heard, to be understood. But we have to hear ourselves first. it’s such a gift to be heard, but we have to hear ourselves first. do they acknowledge they have heard, and do they respond to it? WOW, they heard and understood what I was saying. I must exist if they heard me, right?
So now you can do this for yourself by creating this space. You don’t have to clutter up your space with things, people who create this dysfunctional clutter in your essence. It may seem a little bit deep for you right now but try it. Just a little bit of physical silence or audio silence.
We clutter up our lives with “should, have to, must” and that’s all hype out there.
Going to seminars, social media, watching this webinar, going to this function, you must do it my way, and by the way, give me $$$$$.
If you don’t create the space to sift and sort, you will become burdened once again with paralysis of not being able to decide what you want to bring into your life, what do you not want, and what do I have that I am ready to release.
That could be a thought, it could be a belief, and what if you could let that belief go, and say that everything is possible? I’m open to receiving and I know anything is possible. You could find that belief was a made-up thing that you put in your head anyway, so let’s just put that aside and open up for receiving other energies and see where it goes. You could apply this concept to anything and anyone. “I’m ready to meet the person who is wiling to treat me in a loving, respectful way and who will cherish me until the end of my days”, instead of “there aren’t any good men around.”
It’s about being willing to be open and put the foot on the gas and take it off the break, or even go into neutral for a while. So instead of just making things happen, just respond to life. You have nothing to prove, and let it evolve, sift and sort and open your mind to possibilities, let them sit for a few days and see where they are and not even take any action.
Letting go is liberating.
Some are connected very much to their negative energy and it holds them in tighter and tighter. I think we are all drawn into that way of being, but when we can say, “hmm, not so sure about this one”, but if you are still holding on to that one which is not serving you, you can’t reach out and take the higher value one.
Instead of saying “I can’t do that, or I can’t make that happen,” say instead, “I wonder how or I’m willing ….” and just open up that crack just a little bit. I can find out, or I’m willing to explore, and it is possible.
Welcome to the willing and wonder. What if you were willing to welcome something new into your life. Maybe this is the moment you are willing to hear this, and free up some energy, do something different, entertain cleaning out your wardrobe.
Overwhelmed with clutter and congestion? If this is the moment when you can be open to doing something new and entertain a new idea. Try the 3 m rule. For every day for a week, everything that is from your height down to the floor and 3 square meters a day everything you touch goes into it’s resting place, whether it’s the donate box, the keep it box or back in its place. It gets put where it needs to be.
You will get your home back. You will start to lose weight, because you won’t be living out of your microwave, you will start using your kitchen, sorting your wardrobe, becoming inspired to cleanse and clarify.
It will be undoable.
It will empower you. You can choose to let go, especially if you want things to transform in your life, in your relationships, in your health, your wealth and happiness.
I invite you to explore letting go. Be willing and it will be different for everyone. In your kitchen, your pantry, your sock draw. Just make a start on something.
It could be just a matter of getting unhooked about being mad or upset about something. Just before you go down the rabbit hole of ‘why is this happening to me?’ just ask yourself, ‘For what might this be good?’ Just shift your brain with this question, and you will see it in the light of possibility and not in an ending. If you have a belief in your head, and you are reluctant to let it go, just ask that question and look at the possibilities that will come your way if you let go, and it will become very attractive. You will draw other possibilities and good people to you. That’s a good energy to play in.
Getting unstuck and creating more flow. There can’t be flow when there is a dam. You can open up the flood gates, and you can let go a little bit at a time or you can spend some time in the quiet by yourself and just ask, ‘What do I want? What am I welcoming? I wonder if this could really be a good idea?’
Get really curious. Are you willing to let go?
If you need help to achieve this, contact me and let’s have a chat.
Why are we so lonely?
It’s quite distressing to realise that 60% of Australians regularly feel lonely. Loneliness is rarely noticed yet has become an epidemic. On a recent Today telecast I watched a segment about “WHY ARE WE SO LONELY?” and it got my attention. It’s not something we like to talk about much, and I think it’s about time we did.
Let’s bring loneliness out into the open and shine some light on it.
What has created this state of affairs? In an era where job losses are more and more frequent, relationships break down, people with disabilities are often isolated and ignored, people in poor health and living alone, some are even lonely in their marriages and feel so disconnected and invisible.
A biggie that is emerging, feeling disconnected as a result of the high tech low touch on-line connection now so prolifically available. That in itself has been a game-changer in the way we predominantly communicate and market with ease to each other however, the fall-out has been felt deeply at a heart level. We often just don’t know how lonely we are and just don’t know what to do with it.
Are we willing to connect to our loneliness?
Most people don’t like to admit they are lonely. They feel shame because they feel lonely. Why shame? It’s hard to admit you’re feeling lonely as they have felt perhaps criticism and judgement from others that they are perceived as being weak, needy, co-dependent, quiet and keeping to themselves, secretive, won’t socialize with anyone. This couldn’t be further from the truth. There comes a time when we have to have the hard conversations. What is lying beneath the temper tantrums, the depression, the teariness, the despair, when people “act out”, hurt themselves and others?
Loneliness occurs in all walks of life, in all wealth brackets, in both men and women, children, teenagers, mums and dads, business owners, people with great responsibility and a heavy burden, the unemployed, the carers and the cared for. I’m astounded that 40% of people in nursing homes never receive a visitor in a whole year! That breaks my heart.
Elderly are disconnected from their families. Young ones are on-line at home and at school, and the art of communication is becoming a dying art. The by-product of on-line exposure is that kids think it’s real life. It actually creates anxiety as they don’t know how to relate to each other in Real Life. Perhaps getting a life could be the way to go here. People just seem to be too busy to relate to each other in a human to human way, eye to eye, touch to touch, smile to smile. Even in a room full of people we can still feel lonely.
Loneliness is different from being alone, and being comfortable with your alone-ness and time out. We all need to have our own space and calm the farm, but long-term chronic isolation and loneliness is a mental health hazard.
Loneliness causes stress, anxiety, depression and compromises our immune system.
Suicide is on the rise. Not enough connection can make you feel ill. What do I mean by connection? Some may say “I’m overwhelmed with people around me everywhere, demanding my time and my energy. I want to be alone and have nothing to do with people. I want to go and live in a cave.” That’s a man feeling lonely and unsupported and disconnected. Having a long cuddle, no words are necessary, hold hands and going for a walk is connection.
When a baby watches his mothers face for eye contact, wanting connection as he doesn’t have the language to ask for what he wants. His brain lights up, when he experiences it as a baby and never stops all the way through his life, looking for that happy, contented, safe and secure connection.
Also, regrettably if they are a victim of abuse in any form, if they are the only ones who can see the truth, there is nothing more lonely than not be able to speak your truth without fear of reprisal, criticism or judgement.
How do we fix it?
Lonely people don’t care how much you know, they just want to know how much you care. Start with your family. Your partner, your loved ones, young and old. More high touch, low tech. More eye contact, conversation, touch, doing “coffee”, spending time not money, having a drink, drop by for a cuppa, showing interest, giving a hug, a hand shake, a smile, give recognition, ask a question, and LISTEN.
If you are the lonely one, and I think we all are even if for a short time, move your physiology, put your shoes on, walk around the house, down the street, smile, join groups, reach out even in some small way, do something every day to increase your confidence and take your life back.
Want to chat about it?
PS. Before you leave, be sure to download the Free E-Book 21 Remedies for Common Confidence Killers for Midlife Women. You can get it now at the top right hand corner of this page. My Warmest Wishes. Trish
Plus size and curvy? Let’s do away with this vocabulary and bring in a great sense of style.
It seems that designers have only been brought up on being “big” versus being a size 6 and have envisaged all women beyond the standard sizes up to size 16 and body shape of rectangle wore skivvies, kaftans and frumpy clothes and were willing to wear these. Are you kidding?
It’s so frustrating for so many women with non-standard shaped bodies to shop for affordable clothing that fits well, has some shape in the right places – and not where you don’t need it, and not all the same shapelessness and style-challenged that many just give up and settle for a cup of coffee instead. Take-me-home-and-love-me clothing is as scarce as hen’s teeth.
Let’s change our language. Let’s remove Plus size and curvy from our vocabulary. Change ideas we’ve learned around this terminology. You don’t have to be a frumpy woman because you are a non-standard shape or “Plus” size. Which is the hardest area to fit for you – tops or bottoms?
It’s not your body. It’s your clothes!
We are all different and have different shapes, regardless of our age, height and ethnicity. Majority of designers do NOT know how to cater for you and the way nature evolves you, nor do they know how to celebrate our non-standard shape bodies, because they don’t know how it “feels” to have so limited choice and settle for something that they have to “make do” with. Granted, there are some who do however, if designers don’t have our bodies, they don’t really know how it feels to try to love how we wear them. We are all different shapes and sizes, and one shape does not fit all. Even most of the models for these Plus size labels feel frumpy modelling these garments and have way more sexy clothes in their own wardrobes. What are they thinking? Obviously, only about what they know and understand and is easiest to create for the mass productivity system.
PLEASE. Don’t change a thing. You are perfect the way you are.
What if instead you become educated on how to style your body just the way you are, how to shape it here and not there, to make alterations where it’s necessary and easy. Sometimes it’s as easy as knowing how to alter the hem-length to the best one for you, or learning how to use your silhouette to your best advantage, understand how line and interior design can take kilos off, and how the use of colour contrast, levels and combinations and fabric type will flatter you not fail you, and above all, getting correct fit to be a super, beautiful, normal “you”.
You can have a fabulous wardrobe no matter what size, shape or age you are. You just need to know what you may not already know and work with what we’ve got!
How would that feel?
No More Frumpy Frocks, but let’s bring in great style. Before you go, be sure to download my Freeby. You can access it at the top right corner of this site. Warmest wishes Trish.
Low self-esteem controlling your life?
After interviewing many women over the past decade, I have observed the common denominator holding midlife women back, or in fact any woman, from getting the love they want and living the life they love is a deep-seated unworthiness, low self-esteem and diminished confidence even if they haven’t fully become aware of this on a conscious level.
What’s troubling you about your confidence and self-esteem issues?
There are many reasons why mid-life women lose their confidence and self-esteem. All these unpleasant, but common life-changing events take their toll and plays out in so many areas of their lives.
- Still feeling blind-sided by an affair or a series of affairs?
- Struggling with judgment and criticism from others.
- Feeling disempowered by not being recognized for your skills?
- Feeling abandoned and devalued?
- Losing confidence as you are ageing?
- Frustrated with designers who don’t understand your body shape?
- In style rut and are feeling unattractive and undesirable?
- Feeling invisible?
Personal Change for Personal Power
Without change there is no change. It’s so true, and although we wish it was different, we each have to make that decision to take some action to stop feeling this way, but how does one do that when the learned way of doing things is no longer working for you, but you don’t really know where to start.
Your past need not be your future, your DNA, your history and growing up environment have shaped you to who you are today, or how you feel, but they don’t really matter if you want your future to be different. The attitudes and opinions of others have developed our belief system and usually we act routinely, repeating our adapted ways of doing things which is easier than to learn new ways.
Stop living in the past. Let it go.
As is commonly the case, the biggie of big saboteurs is ruminating over what has been and is no longer. It undermines almost all efforts for just living in the moment and having hopes and dreams of the future without fear and anxiety. This is key, and one of the hardest habits to let go. It is what it is. There are gifts in learning from past experiences, but drop the resentment and the victimhood and don’t bring that energy into your present.
When you are anxious and self-doubting, you will undoubtedly self-sabotage, but when you let go of the outcome, it will all flow. That sounds like a throwaway comment I know, and easier said than done but our lack of confidence that we will be able to survive without “that” particular outcome often undermines that very outcome.
Most important is accepting that things are different out there now, especially now in midlife. Getting rid of the chatter in your mind of being too old or whatever, and at the end of the day the energy about yourself will bring in more quality to your future that you deserve to live your best life.
Find your inner narcissist.
Work on your “self”, bring out your inner diva, your inner goddess. To be crystal clear, this is not about a heightened and grandiose sense of self-importance or self-obsession which can lead to manipulation, arrogance and extreme inability for taking responsibility and accountability for anything that happens to you.
This is also not all about you at the expense of others, but about changing the way you see yourself in a positive way that you perhaps have not embraced before.
Self-love with a “healthy” narcissistic approach with a healthy self-esteem and self-image may be just what you need to make you happier, healthier and more successful in your personal and business relationships.
Narcissism in this context is about our confidence, a healthy self-esteem and self-belief, emotional strength and the ability to step up and take responsibility for your own happiness. List your core values and hold them close.
Confidence is our most valuable asset.
Confidence shows up in everything you do. And to increase your self-esteem, your confidence levels play a huge part. By making tiny changes to your day, rearranging the order you do things, or upping the ante of the activities you are already doing will lead you to recalibrate your life by identifying and nurturing your purpose and living your soul essence for a fulfilling life and love.
The first hour of the day sets the tone for everything that happens during the remainder of the day. When you change your mind set about how you start your day, it will change your whole attitude.
In order for everyone else to be happy around you is determined by your well-being. No longer young but not yet old, but your life is spiraling out of control and chaos rules supreme. It is life-changing when you can get hold of your own subconscious and come to identify what you want out of life. In reality we all should be doing this. Don’t wait until you are forced to, do it NOW! Do it for yourself. Power naps, eat well, laugh with friends, go out every day. It’s never too late to schedule self-care and it’s so important to laugh and create your current fun, whatever that is to you, and bring joy to your life.
As a woman now in my 60’s I know how hard it is to do on your own. Help is everywhere and you just need to make a decision to just take one step at a time, learn a new skill, practice it every day and have fun with it, and then learn another skill, until it becomes automatic.
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Does this sound like you? The rug has been pulled out from underneath you. Some decisions were made for you and your life has been irreversibly turned upside down. Maybe it was your health, or the breakdown of a prime relationship, or you were financially sabotaged in some way. In any case, you have experienced a life-changing event and your emotions are on a roller-coaster and out of control and you can’t share your feelings with anyone.
There are lots of emotions, sadness, grief, resentment, regret, deep sorrow. You didn’t choose to be put in a financial struggle, or an emotional pit. Maybe you decided to leave your marriage after years of being unhappy, or maybe he was cheating on you, or your adult child is addicted to something awful, life just sucks and you want change.
You may feel embarrassed about your situation. You don’t want to admit to your friends and family what has transpired behind closed doors because you don’t want the judgment, the questions, or the criticism and unsolicited advice toward you or your situation however, you do desperately want him to wake up and to say he’s sorry, what was he thinking? He had made a terrible mistake, but deep down you aren’t even sure you want it put back the way it was as you are fearful his behaviour change wouldn’t be long term.
The egg phase of the butterfly is the beginning of the healing part.
This is the phase of your transformation that you have the power of choosing how you feel.
It’s comfortable in your little cocoon stage, but it’s very lonely and very dark in there. Now it’s getting squeezy and there is no room to move in there. As nature would have it, the butterfly has no choice but to change and evolve. It’s out of their control so nature kicks you out to the caterpillar stage
In the caterpillar stage, its only job is to eat and eat and eat. This is the phase of choosing to move on. It’s a very empowering time to free yourself from anxiety and fear, to learn from your past. It’s a time to discover what isn’t working for you anymore.
That person in that previous life wasn’t you. You created that person. You set expectations for yourself that you couldn’t meet by setting yourself to endure an unendurable situation, and now it had ended and you have lost who you were. You were exhausted and empty and disappointed with yourself that you hadn’t stood up for yourself.
You may want to fly away to get away from that phase, but in wanting to do that so much you have to give up being a caterpillar. Without change there is no change. You have to get uncomfortable.
You realised you had to be willing to learn to choose “you” and start taking tiny steps in the right direction. You had to learn you had the power of choosing how you felt. You now have to choose to step into your own power, or not?
You may have struggled with friends and people who know you and are telling you to ‘not feel that way’, or ‘now you know it’s like that, just get over it and move on.’ It’s not like there’s a hole in the ceiling that your stupid cousin created by blowing something up, so just get a loan, get it fixed and move on. You have feelings, so admit how you feel and then choose to feel differently with the appropriate process afterwards, but you can’t avoid those feelings and move on without dealing with them as they will just sneak up on you and bite you on the bum later when you’re not looking.
So now close your eyes and think about what happened and give a name for those feelings. Go there now and imagine that person is in front of you and tell them what you are feeling. Don’t make yourself wrong for feeling it, but also don’t stay there! The next step is the hardest one especially when you don’t see their remorse, not even a tiny bit.
Forgiving: This is the freedom step and is an incredibly powerful key to healing.
Their denial was the most painful bit, even though it was revealed in bright flashing lights you could see from the moon. It may seem very hard to forgive them when they are continually dumping on you, but let’s be very clear. Their choices for their actions were solely made by them no matter how they justify them. Their actions do not define you, their actions define them. It was only through their inability to take responsibility for their decisions so don’t get caught up in the blame game and believe those stories because in part we also believe that of ourselves to be true, and accept the attack on our self-worth. When we are low in self-esteem and self-respect we often fall into their story and blame ourselves for their behaviour. That is not the point.
The point is we always get to choose how we respond. There are two sides to every coin, and there may be some things you feel guilty about as well. It could be the affect it had on your family, or your business associates, or that you hadn’t given them the right coloured jelly beans, but express compassion toward yourself about it. Your pain is your pain and forgiveness can take a while, but don’t remain a prisoner of that pain by giving it permission to control your life. Just write it out and come from a place of love and you may even need some help here.
Be grateful and watch the miracles happen.
When we are in pain we focus on the dark side of the pain, the deep, deep shadows. On the flip side we can always find things to be grateful for, even be grateful now for the revelation, the secret is out, there will be no more lies, no more denials, no more doubt. The bare, naked truth, in all it’s ugliness, or your opportunity for freedom, but there it is. You now know what you are dealing with, in whatever form it presents itself. Respect yourself for who you are. Respect others, even the ones who hurt you, for who they are. Most of them are just wounded angels in disguise and the wounding had nothing to do with you.
To help you grow and move on, answer these four questions with honesty.
- What do I have that I have taken for granted that I can be grateful for?
- What is good about this situation? (Hint: No more . . .)
- What made me smile today?
- What is the best thing that happened to me today?
Everything that happens to us is a brilliantly disguised as an opportunity for personal growth.
After you have learned from your past, what do you want now for your future? When someone treats you badly, it just means you need to raise your standards. We can’t expect anyone to give us what we won’t give ourselves. Also ask yourself:
- What is your vision for yourself?
- What are the qualities you want to enhance?
- What are the standards you set for yourself?
Go for the light and fly. You deserve to be free.
This is your opportunity to make yourself happy. Just like a butterfly, your are growing wings. It is here in the pupa stage where all the changes are happening inside. One big reason you were unhappy is when you look for happiness outside yourselves. You are loving yourself when you choose to step away from the person or that intolerable situation which is showing you all the signs you are not being valued no matter what you say and do, but you do get to choose how you respond to that toxicity.
When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings. Dean Jackson
You are now owning who you are and who you have become. If you need any help with any part of this process please contact Trish.
Before you go download your freeby. You can access it from the top of the page.
3 KEYS TO “DOING” SELF LOVE – who’s pulling your strings?
People talk a lot about self love. They know what it means, but rarely do it or practise it. There is just TMI on the internet about self love however, it’s never enough to “say” you need to love yourself before you can move on and love anyone else, while the keys to “doing” self-love” gives you confidence and empowerment to go on and ensure you are not walked all over by anyone, again. Let’s keep this simple.
The 1st key and most important one is to only be, only do, only see, only hear and only be around what and who makes you feel good.
Our environment, mind and body are all circularly linked and all need to be cleaned up in order to keep the others healthy. So if we are compromising ourselves, and allow someone who may be narcissistic, putting us down and planting the seeds to undermine our self-worth, we need to get away from their influence and their toxicity.
As women, we tend to tolerate too much so there tends to be a confusion between what are you tolerating and what are your standards. If you were to make a list of the top 5 things you are tolerating right now, what would come up for you?
Think about it and be brutally honest with yourself.
The second key is to learn to honestly say “No”.
Tolerance is what we have been conditioning ourselves to do in order to keep the peace, not make waves, walking on egg shells and in some cases choosing our battles which may be a great strategy if it avoids an unnecessary head on clash. It’s very hard to do as we are so accustomed to being patient, tolerant and mostly at our own expense. It has become an enabling habit. When you play back the video in your head, you may recognise how you have tolerated anything else that someone who does not respect you and appreciate you has tried to put over you.
With your hand on your heart, ask your heart “Please let me know when I’m not feeling happy and safe” and hear it when it comes back to you and lets you know.
The third key is to learn to walk away.
Walking away from things that are going on that don’t contribute to your health and happiness is a learned skill. You will recognise when it is the right time when you are listening to someone derailing someone else, maybe his ex-wife, his boss and his or her behaviour towards others. Walk away from gossipers, complainers, even bad movies you have paid to watch and it turns out you are just not enjoying it. We are inviting abuse on all levels, shapes and sizes from areas of our life where we deserve respect. When you take ownership of your own thought processes and environment you will be taking your life back.
So it all starts with self respect. If you are reading this, I have just one shot to get this message to you. Stop tolerating the little things which drip away at your confidence. It can start very early in the relationship and creep up on you when you are totally unaware of it. For women, when we have sex with our new man, there is a huge hormonal shift and we “fall in love” with our vaginas and we become very attached to the relationship quite early. It’s very hard to walk away from him when our confidence is starting to be eroded and we don’t even realise it. We tolerate the comments of disrespectful behaviour, or choose to ignore them and shrug it off. We often ignore or don’t see the red flags. For men, sex doesn’t have the same reaction early in the relationship and bonding comes over time. Some men have sex with several different women at the same time until they are ready to commit to one, if any. That’s another topic for another time.
Meanwhile, when you accept disrespectful behaviour over time, the longer you stay, the harder it becomes to leave unless you have clarity about what you are signing up for and what you are prepared to tolerate or walk away from. Until we get ourselves cleaned out it’s hard to attract a man who will treat us with respect and genuine love.
“I’d rather lose him than lose me.”
It’s better to be alone than stay with bad company. Sadly for a lot of midlife single women they feel the devastation of being suddenly single, especially if it wasn’t her decision. She has given and given for so long with no change until she realises she is unrecognisable as the woman she knew so long ago. Many remain in that holding pattern in their ensuing relationships doing the same stuff and expecting a happy ending.
So ask yourself, what do I need a man for right now? If you are in a relationship and you feel the love, congratulations. You have it made. If not and you are at cross roads, you may need to talk about it and seek some clarity either with your man or if that is too hard to handle at first, with someone who isn’t invested in your emotions who can help you find your way back to “self” so you can make the decisions which are right for you, by you and not influenced by someone else’s agenda.
If you are single right now after a breakup, cherish that time to find yourself. It’s your turn to do what’s really good for you and find your way back to healthy love. The singleness won’t last so relish it while you can, as you will attract a gorgeous man as you learn and “do” self love, and when he appears, you will recognise him.
Need some help on this, let me know and we will chat.
Download Free e-Book . My gift to you to help you launch your 2nd Fifty. You can access it from the Top of the Page. Warmest wishes, Trish
Many years ago I remember my mother telling me that time goes so quickly, life changes constantly, and we are all here for such a short time. Although at the time she was already in her late forties, she still felt the same as she did when she was a teenager and a younger woman. Of course, I thought I knew everything at that age, (yes, whatever!), so I just dismissed the notion.
It took me several years to understand what she was saying. When I really took a good long look at myself in the mirror, I saw a woman who was very familiar to me, but different to the girl I remember. My body shape and hair colour had changed, my clothes were different, but I still felt the same. Or so I thought.
But something had changed. Over the years I had worn so many hats I lost sight of my purpose, my essence and who I really was. What happened to that tall slim girl who used to play hockey at school, compete in Dressage events and was generally having one big active life in rural NSW?
What happened to my life?
Life happens to us all and as time passes, there are inevitably changes: in our bodies, our relationships, our finances, our identities and beliefs. Some are positive and ever-evolving, and sometimes it just sucks!
All around me there have been births, deaths and marriages, long lasting relationships- some starting, some ending, fun and laughter, and ultimately, there have been upheavals. Believe it or not, the upheavals are a wonderful invitation for personal growth. It also presents a choice of how we respond to it, and our beliefs from the past create our present.
Deep within each of us is a system from which we create meaning. It’s a constant part of our identity that is trying to keep us safe by creating meaning around events and experiences we encounter as we proceed through life. These meanings are born during childhood however, much of the meaning we create has been based on false conclusions interpreted when we were children.
I was no exception. I figured I already had sorted out a lot of crap long ago however, there were more surprises and disappointments, and one for me was accepting that there were still some things I just could not change. It was out of my hands, and always had been, and the only thing I could change was myself and how I responded. It was brought to me as a gift packaged as an adversity.
I was in charge of my own outcomes, and now I needed to take my life back, embrace it, be grateful for the gift, and love my life with creativity, courage and compassion.
Here are a few steps which may inspire you to overcome self-limiting beliefs, rediscover your beauty and brilliance, create the intimate relationship connections you crave and feel sexy at any age.
- Give yourself permission to move from being a young woman to mature-womanhood with acceptance and grace while retaining your dignity, vitality and “sexy”.
- Visualise how you want to “become”. If you can see it, you can achieve it and bring it into your reality.
- Make yourself “Bullet Proof”. You can’t stop people from rejecting you but you can stop rejection getting in.
- Recognise that there will be some people who will resist your changes. Stay grounded and focused on “Becoming You”.
- Remove all the negative beliefs before you install new ones. The mind cannot hold conflicting beliefs at the same time.
- Know you are Enough! All the love you need comes from within.
- 80% is good enough without being driven crazy with meeting self-imposed expectations that may not even be congruent with your authentic personality.
- Never give up. The only difference between the little shots and the big shots is the big shots kept shooting.
- Reward yourself with each step you take knowing that you are worth it.
You may have some trouble with some of these steps, and if you do, take one step at a time or select one that is most appropriate for you at this time. You will be taking giant steps in the right direction to creating and loving your life beyond 50.
For more tips to help you launch into your Fabulous Second Fifty, be sure to download my Freeby. You can access it from the top of the page. Warmest wishes, Trish.